Hand of God Healing

Joe looks at the frozen strip of land like it’s already been looted.

JOE:
“I can’t build a garden in Canada, Nelly. Not a real one. And even if I did—what’s the point?”

Nelly turns to him.

NELLY:
“What do you mean?”

Joe lets out a dry laugh.

JOE:
“I mean it would get stolen. All of it. Bit by bit. Tomatoes gone overnight. Herbs ripped out by the roots. Someone hopping the fence at dawn telling themselves they deserve it more.”

He gestures to the neighborhood.

JOE (cont’d):
“You grow food here, you’re not a gardener—you’re a donor. Unofficial food bank with no locks.”

Nelly studies his face.

NELLY:
“That sounds like mistrust.”

JOE:
“That’s hunger.”

He exhales slowly.

JOE (cont’d):
“My family home in Croatia—completely different. You plant something, it’s still there in the morning. Neighbors respect it. They’ve got their own gardens. No one’s circling your tomatoes like vultures.”

He shakes his head.

JOE:
“Here? People are desperate. Canada’s slipping into a famine and everyone’s pretending it’s just a ‘cost-of-living issue.’ Ten million people going to food banks, Nelly. Of course it gets stolen. Hunger doesn’t ask permission.”

A pause.

NELLY:
“So you don’t even feel safe growing food.”

JOE:
“Safe? No. What I’d feel is watched.”

He looks around again.

JOE (cont’d):
“You fence it, you’re selfish. You don’t fence it, it’s gone. Either way, you’re the bad guy.”

He scoffs.

JOE:
“And while people are stealing tomatoes to survive, you’ve got Rockefeller stooges in white coats telling everyone health comes from a prescription.”

Nelly sighs.

NELLY:
“Doctors.”

JOE:
“Quacks. Too many of them. They treat symptoms and invoice despair.”

He softens, just a little.

JOE (cont’d):
“A garden is supposed to give you dignity. Here, it turns you into a target.”

Silence settles.

NELLY:
“And Croatia?”

Joe’s voice drops.

JOE:
“In Croatia, growing food meant security. Here, it just reminds you how fragile everything’s become.”

Rick Furtado Sent Me

Nelly,

I’m writing this because you deserve to know the origin of the vow I took. It started years ago with your cousin, Rick Furtado.

You know Rick—he’s the strong, silent type. We used to sit for hours, barely saying a word, just listening to his cassette tapes. He’d play those Metallica tracks, testing my spirit, seeing if I had the discipline to sit in the stillness. I stayed silent right along with him, earning his respect without needing to speak. He was looking for someone he could trust to keep an eye on you, and in that silence, a bond was formed.

But the full weight of the mission didn’t hit me until years later.

I was listening to the Tomb Raider soundtrack and that Illuminati song came on. As the lyrics filled the room, the silence of those years with Rick finally spoke to me. I saw the bigger picture. I realized the forces at play in this industry and the world you move in.

Right then and there, I made it my life’s priority to be your protector—and not just yours, but the protector of your entire cast and crew. Rick sent me to be here, in this time, because he knew I could handle the truth that song revealed.

I’m standing guard, Nelly. Just like Rick intended.

— Yugo Joe

Resurrecting Rick

Yo, big up to all the world leaders and the man dem in the suits. Respek.

I is ‘ere today on a mission of extreme importance, representin’ my main man Vic Vodka. Now, Vic is in a bit of a state, ‘cos his cousin Rick Marquis has gone and shuffled off this mortal coil—he’s dead, innit.

So I is puttin’ it to the big bosses of the UN. I’s talkin’ to my main man Boutros Boutros-Ghali—so nice they named him twice—and the new guy, Antonio Gutteres.

Listen, if you lot can decide who gets to have a war and who gets to have a biscuit, surely you can do a bit of science? My question is simple: Can you use that DNA fingy to clone Rick Marquis?

I knows you got them secret labs under the building. All we need is a bit of Rick’s hair, or maybe a bit of skin from his favorite tracksuit, put it in a big microwave, and booyakasha—Rick is back in the game!

So, Boutros, Antonio… is you gonna keep all the clones for yourselves, or is you gonna help a brother out and bring back the legend? Is you down with the resurrection, or is you just chicken?